one lazy afternoon

you wrote in your diary

13 April 1978
External Services:
  • benjiesque@livejournal.com
  • benjiesque
  • 1340466 ICQ status

Google in my journal:

WrightB514: okay, LJ username/...??
WrightB514: gotta be something awesome
profdreasyllabus: well, I picked from a Dave Eggers quote
WrightB514: obvious is fengshui but i mean fuck tthat
WrightB514: eyeblueday is an eggerism?
profdreasyllabus: yep, like the second sentence of his newb ook...I always thought it was a great simple descirption...It was a clear and eyeblue day....
WrightB514: ahh
WrightB514: good!
profdreasyllabus: but earlier thoughts were "racefortheprize"
profdreasyllabus: and other indieisms
WrightB514: ohh!! benjiesque!
profdreasyllabus: yes
profdreasyllabus: 111!!!1
profdreasyllabus: !!!!!!
profdreasyllabus: 1
WrightB514: haha okay that's it
profdreasyllabus: thats fucking great man. almost like, hey reggie, I'm comin ovah.hhhh...
WrightB514: hahahhaha
WrightB514: that'd be a good name too: heyreggiei'mcomingover
profdreasyllabus: hahahahaha
profdreasyllabus: or maybe 'davidcrossisadogfucker'
profdreasyllabus: you just got crossed
WrightB514: ehehhee
WrightB514: hahaha
WrightB514: dude MR SHOW DVD season 3 out in august!@!
profdreasyllabus: trendyheroinhabit?
profdreasyllabus: hahaha
profdreasyllabus: yes...icant wait
WrightB514: i wish he'd do another tour
profdreasyllabus: oh man, when you get up to this season of 6ftunder...its getting really god
profdreasyllabus: good
profdreasyllabus: me too
profdreasyllabus: espcially with ruth
profdreasyllabus: damn
WrightB514: how about dosomecokeandfuckthatbitchoverthere
profdreasyllabus: stonecoldtitty?
profdreasyllabus: dirtydirtytitty

My ex-girlfriend wrote a paragraph about me. This was written back when I was still living in Tulsa, back when I was still in grad school, but before I became a bartender for three months. Below it is a response I wrote to the paragraph.

“Will is newly 25 years old. It is much easier for me to observe Will now that I'm not dating him. The door to his bedroom is always open, unless he's actually in it. Online (in his journal) and in day to day life he gives off the impression of being a loner, self-sufficient computer programmer and creative mind craving something more than what he's surrounded by, and this is how he was in person when I first met him when he had just returned from living in Finland for a year. But he isn't. He has a fatherly, good-natured badgering and sour joke-making sense of humour (sic), only without the good-natured and censored and kid-safe part. He terrorises (sic) waitresses and store clerks and other people who (sic) I have trouble speaking to in even the most perfunctory of exchanges. He tells you about things; never the other way around. And when he's done telling, he's ready to move on. He likes to laugh at things and people, often people and things I care about. It's very easy for me to hate him for this and his air of pretense and for our relationship and for the things he's done to my relationships since ours, but I recently have this strange bit of empathy for him when I see him spending his weekends pretty much alone save the rest of us and phone calls to his girlfriend in Minnesota Meagan. His best friend moved to Virginia, his girlfriend's far away, and the rest of us don't really know him because he won't show us much beyond the pretense and badgering. Sometimes I think I would like to just hear him talk about his life sometimes, because it would be a very interesting life to feel and hear the feelings of from someone so potentially well-spoken, but he only really does that when he's courting someone and I don't see him wanting or needing to change that anytime soon so instead he confronts pious Bible College waitresses with questions about pornography and orders birthday cakes that read 'Benjiesque' and refuses to discuss cinema with me because I reviewed a bad movie like The Core for the Collegian instead of a good movie like Habla con Ella.”

I am 25 years old. When I am in my bedroom, it’s often because I am studying, or sleeping, or practicing guitar, or singing (or both) or talking on the phone, or doing other private things that I do not want people to observe (or do I?). Or sometimes I close my door because things out in the living room of my apartment here at the good old University of Tulsa are distracting and/or loud and annoying, like when Brandon and Lindsay cackle at Cartoon Network or Nickelodeon.

I don’t believe I give off the impression of being a loner, at least in real life, where I am very cheerful and carefree and outgoing and a bit rambunctious. This, as my mother will say, I have always been, even when I was young, two or three. If you ask her, you’ll know that my talking to strangers is nothing new, nor is my inability to have tact at certain times. Witness me at age three talking to an old lady in a wheelchair: “Lady, do you know you’re in a wheelchair?” Online, perhaps, it’s a bit different. Online, in my journal, I write about the things I think about (sometimes) and so you get to see a little bit more sober side of me. For the record, I don’t think I am a loner nor do I believe myself very creative, and certainly I don’t crave more than what I’m surrounded by. This place is often hilarious and generally fun and sometimes sad.

When it’s not hilarious and fun and sad enough, I like to find these things elsewhere, in Bible College waitresses and store clerks (a new favorite line to use on store clerks is: “Hey, did I just see you checking me out?”) and good movies and good music and bad movies and bad music. Some of the funniest conversations, I would like to clarify, I’ve had by asking people things, not by telling them things. Yes, it’s true, I could tell people things all day. But what’s even more entertaining is to ask people things, not tell them, and see what they say. It can be pretty hilarious and fun and sad, sometimes all at the same time. Some people may think this is condescending but I try not to act condescending and, despite what some may say, I don’t do it with a condescending intent. And, I think, it’s all about intentions.

I laugh at certain things Lindsay cares about. I do laugh at, say, her friend who writes Babylon 5 fan fiction, because that’s just funny. And I laugh at Frank because he’s all ethereal and the whole Frank-Lindsay-Brandon love triangle is just ridiculous (and still is, hey). And she and I both laughed at Louis, another ex-boyfriend of hers that wrote some pretty hilarious things in his DeadJournal. I mean, pretty much anything written by 95% of the people on DeadJournal and LiveJournal is funny and she knows it. What’s truly funny is that I kind of liked Frank in person, after meeting him face to face. He didn’t seem nearly as funny then. That’s the difference between journals and real life. On paper, behind a counter, waiting tables, when caricatured, we’re all pretty funny.

On the weekends I use my free long distance minutes to call Meagan. I try to balance calling her and acting like a semi-wild 25-year-old. I think I do it pretty well but I can definitely see how some might empathize with me because I probably err on the side of calling Meagan. So, I could be out drinking heavily and fucking random girls and acquiring a trendy cocaine habit but instead I am talking to my long distance girlfriend. Of course, Lindsay probably means that I could be out watching bad movies in the living room and looking up porn with Nick and playing Street Fighter but instead I’m talking to my long distance girlfriend.

Finally, Lindsay says that I only open up to people that I “court.” By this definition, she should know me (at least three-months-well know me). But it simply isn’t true that I only open up to those I “court.” Why does it appear this way to Lindsay? For one, I am way more open to females. I like talking with females about things that I think matter because I think that the things that I think matter are also the things that they think matter. This isn’t always the case, of course. Quite often, I find myself discussing computers or math or chess or working out or movies with my friends. All of these things matter to me and all of these things I discuss very openly with my male friends. But I think the things Lindsay is talking about, all of the parts of me that are “sensitive” and “emotional,” I find much easier to talk about with women. Given that I “court” only women, yes, I do do this with, say, Meagan. I also do it with, say, Andrea or Christen. And if a male seems to be emotionally mature enough to handle discussing such things with me, I will do it with him as well, for instance with Chris. I do, I believe, talk with Brandon and Nick about “personal” things, but I most likely do not do it when Lindsay or other people are around. They are more personal than that and I treat such matters as such. I try not to discuss anything sensitive or emotional with Lindsay because we broke up about five months ago and, frankly, I don’t think we’re ready to have that kind of relationship (this is compounded by the fact that she is now dating my roommate and friend of five years). In addition, if I did not “open up” to people, I would not write the things I do in my journal. If people want to know these things about me, and some do, though neither Brandon or Nick do, they can read about them here.

I will discuss movies with you, I guess, Lindsay, even though I’m not really sure what I have to say. But that has nothing to do with you reviewing The Core for the newspaper.

Since this entry is “About Me,” let me say this: I love music and movies and books and writing. I am 25 and at the end of the year I will get my Master’s in Computer Science. Then I’ll work for the government for a while and then who knows where I’ll go after that.

$109 toothbrushes, 22 pistepirkko, 69 love songs, a makeover story, aaron sorkin, airports, ali g, anything but dave matthews, aphex twin, ass shorts, barren realms elite, bartending monkeys, bigorexia, billie holiday, bollywood-sampling rap, bozo and turbine, brent dicrescenzo, carpocalypse, casablanca remakes, chess, choir, chris gaines, collecting aol cds, conservative talk radio, dan hon, david cross, david foster wallace, deep fried twinkies, devdas, diff'rent strokes theme, dj shadow, dualing citags, dvda, eating ice cubes, electing a woman president, elvis costello, enterprise square usa, enya/yanni/kenny g, faux-mosexual, finland, frisbee, getting awesome, glenn mcdonald, grape nuts, h&m, hair metal, hesen kastike, hitting on women, in-sink-erators, international flight coffee, israel-palestine history, iv-play, j.s. bach, jack mormons, jeff buckley, jesse camp, jesus fuck, joseph heller, joão gilberto, justin timberlake, karaoke, kevin smith, levottomat, losing the game, manos: thehandsoffate, manskirts, mark kozelek, marvin gaye, mcruis, mega fox ditto, minnehaha, moiko, mpb, my funny valentine, my morning jacket, my_mom_dated_john_ritter, mä on jäässä, naming offspring jesus, neck ties, ninja please, npr, nu sigma alpha, object oriented programming, obnoxiously overweight cats, orchids, patty griffin, pikes punched a member, pitchforkmedia, playing guitar, pokémon the 4th movie, praha, prius, pt anderson, public transportation, pumpkin pie, quiktrip, salo, salsa dancing, sauna, scott beowulf, secret high fives, shitty mexican food, sifl and olly, sisu, skraten up, smart girls, sorority life, spanish masturbation, star wars holiday special, stealing music, stifler, street_fighter_the_movie_the_game, sufjan stevens, suomi, sweating, tabby and timmy, the macarena, the mikado, the norma tapes, the tulsa world, the washington dc metro, the wrecking crew, thinking train is coltrane, threadless.com, thyroid fuckers, tko crew, tmesis, tom stoppard, towson happened, trash can sinatras, trashy dance clubs, tropicalismo, tulsa crime monthly, turku, unironic love of irony, university of tulsa, velux blankets, wanting to contract sars, watching for carbs, weekend at bernie's ii, west coast swing, white dawg, white tea, william bowers, woody allen, worshipping google, wtfuck, xtreme bowling, yu-gi-oh!: the movie, zygal